I was over at Deanna's this weekend hanging out and really pissed her off.
Let me explain our relationship: We are not "together" in the sense that we are planning on getting married one day. Basically, I am just drilling her and I enjoy hanging out with her because she is very funny. We are always playing jokes on one another.
For example, she has pulled the shaving cream in the hand while you sleep trick on me, she filled my mailbox with ping pong balls and she tried to rub deodorant under my nose while I was sleeping and ask me questions. She claimed the deodorant acted as sort of a truth serum but it only woke me up and I smelled Teen Spirit "Cool Coconut" for the next day. I have Saran Wrapped her toilet and shaved about a 1/4 of her cat's hair off. You know just childish pranks that we both seemed to enjoy.
So this weekend when I pulled the prank that pissed her off, I didn’t think twice about it. We were in her bed and I was warming up the dinner by strumming on her oversized bliss button. From time to time I would dip into her honey hole and get a little panty butter on my finger(s). I had her worked up pretty good so there was an overflow of nectar and that is when the thought hit me.
Some call it the Wet Wanda. Others may call it the Saucy Susan. I prefer to call it the Buttered Ear.
The Buttered Ear is simple:
While pleasing a female with your finger(s), you lube said finger(s) up real good and then stuff them into the female’s ear - The Buttered Ear.
So while I was pleasing Deanna with my fingers, the Buttered Ear idea popped into my head. I thought we would get a good laugh out of it and then I would destroy that little fire hole of hers; I was wrong.
Right after I stuck my fingers in her ear, she elbowed me in the nose and then cussed me out. I didn’t get all that she said, but the gist of it was that I had "ruined the mood" and that I needed to get the hell out of there. As I was getting dressed she pulled out Paul Bunyan (her pleasure toy) and said; "While you're driving home, I'll be here getting off with this". I probably could have stayed and watched her knock the bark off that log but I was pretty angry so I left but not before I threw her phone in the toilet and backed over her mail box
Monday, January 28, 2008
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Deanna the witch
Well, I have started a relationship with a witch. It's not a boyfriend/girlfriend type thing, but more of a physical relationship. I have known her for a little while and we took it to the next level during a party on New Years.
I find her interesting because she is not the image of a witch that I have in my mind. I always thought witches were the goth looking chicks with the jet black hair, facial rings and that heroin gaze, but Deanna looks nothing like that.
She is ok looking. She does have a couple of tattoo's, one of which is directly between her lung warts and one on her arm. The thing I find most appealing is her attitude. She is one of those girls that just doesnt care what people think of her and she is highly intelligent.
The first time I messed around with her I didnt remember much because I had been drinking Jagermeister. After that night we talked on the phone some and she invited me over to her house for dinner.
When I got there she was making some type of squash soup. She is a vegetarian, so there was no meat to go along with this putrid looking soup. She did serve it with a loaf of cranberry pumpernickel bread and a glass of red wine which seemed to somewhat mask the taste of the soup. During the meal we talked a lot of witchcraft.
She said for as long as she could remember she had been interested in witchcraft, but then she watched the movie "The Crucible" and it convinced her that she was not only a witch, but that she was also the reincarnated spirit of "Martha Cory". Apparently, this is one of the women who was accused of being a witch during the Salem Witch Trials. Also, she was hanged because of those allegations. Deanna's proof is not only her "witch sense" but she also has had several conversations with Martha, and Deanna's middle name is Martha. How can anyone say she isn’t Martha? An interesting side note here is that Deanna claims to be "e-mail buddies" with Winona Ryder and that Winona is also a witch. She even showed me one of the e-mails.
I must have been acting like I didn’t believe her because she then asked me if I wanted her to prove that she can speak with Martha anytime she wants. I told her that was alright because I believed her; in reality she was really scaring the hell out of me and I didn’t want the whole witchcraft thing to escalate any further than it already had, but Deanna became hell-bent on proving her powers to me.
Now, I'm thinking that she is going to start dancing around and stuff, kind of like an Indian, but I was wrong. She went into her room and retrieved a small wooden box. The box, she claims, came from Salem and she bought it on E-bay for $345. Anyway, she pulls out these stamps, or something I thought were stamps and proceeds to place one under her tongue. After doing this she removed her clothes (shirt and pants) and sprayed some type of perfume on herself that, to me, smelled an awful lot like cat urine. She then sat down in a chair with her eyes closed and hummed a song. There were no candles; no darkness, nothing like that. It was just her sitting there in her bra and panties humming a song.
After about 10 minutes of humming she says: Hi, Martha. How are you? If you're thinking this can't get any weirder, you're wrong. Deanna then changed into Martha, complete with English accent, and answered herself: I'm well. I've just been in the back patching some garments.
For about the next 15 minutes I sat there and watched this insane spectacle. "They" talked about quilt making, selling stuff on craigslist and some guy named "Dobber". I have to say it was nothing but total entertainment.
Once Martha left, Deanna and I had a conversation about how she isn’t much of a "spell witch", though she can conjure spells when need be, but rather, she is a witch that can materialize and dematerialize at will, read and influence the thoughts of humans (she said through witchcraft she was able to convince her boss to give her a raise), look into the thoughts of animals (such as a penguin in Antarctica), and, of course, speak to the dead. By the by, the LSD serves to unlock her supernatural powers.
She convinced me of her powers, or, at least she convinced me of her mind reading powers because she read mine. I wanted to pound her. Not only that, but I wanted her to spit wash my gag mallet, and she even knew that I wanted her to tea bag me! Don't tell me she can't read minds.
She took me back to her room and proceeded to take me on a journey of fornication most can only dream about. She was gymnast flexible and she had complete control of her vaginal muscles. It really felt like she had vise in her cock garage and at one point I actually feared that she might squeeze my gut buster completely off.
Probably the coolest thing was when I was thumping her from behind and she had me pour hot candle wax over her balloon knot and then use a small vibrator on it while I continued drilling her. She is a total freak and I am not finished with her.
I find her interesting because she is not the image of a witch that I have in my mind. I always thought witches were the goth looking chicks with the jet black hair, facial rings and that heroin gaze, but Deanna looks nothing like that.
She is ok looking. She does have a couple of tattoo's, one of which is directly between her lung warts and one on her arm. The thing I find most appealing is her attitude. She is one of those girls that just doesnt care what people think of her and she is highly intelligent.
The first time I messed around with her I didnt remember much because I had been drinking Jagermeister. After that night we talked on the phone some and she invited me over to her house for dinner.
When I got there she was making some type of squash soup. She is a vegetarian, so there was no meat to go along with this putrid looking soup. She did serve it with a loaf of cranberry pumpernickel bread and a glass of red wine which seemed to somewhat mask the taste of the soup. During the meal we talked a lot of witchcraft.
She said for as long as she could remember she had been interested in witchcraft, but then she watched the movie "The Crucible" and it convinced her that she was not only a witch, but that she was also the reincarnated spirit of "Martha Cory". Apparently, this is one of the women who was accused of being a witch during the Salem Witch Trials. Also, she was hanged because of those allegations. Deanna's proof is not only her "witch sense" but she also has had several conversations with Martha, and Deanna's middle name is Martha. How can anyone say she isn’t Martha? An interesting side note here is that Deanna claims to be "e-mail buddies" with Winona Ryder and that Winona is also a witch. She even showed me one of the e-mails.
I must have been acting like I didn’t believe her because she then asked me if I wanted her to prove that she can speak with Martha anytime she wants. I told her that was alright because I believed her; in reality she was really scaring the hell out of me and I didn’t want the whole witchcraft thing to escalate any further than it already had, but Deanna became hell-bent on proving her powers to me.
Now, I'm thinking that she is going to start dancing around and stuff, kind of like an Indian, but I was wrong. She went into her room and retrieved a small wooden box. The box, she claims, came from Salem and she bought it on E-bay for $345. Anyway, she pulls out these stamps, or something I thought were stamps and proceeds to place one under her tongue. After doing this she removed her clothes (shirt and pants) and sprayed some type of perfume on herself that, to me, smelled an awful lot like cat urine. She then sat down in a chair with her eyes closed and hummed a song. There were no candles; no darkness, nothing like that. It was just her sitting there in her bra and panties humming a song.
After about 10 minutes of humming she says: Hi, Martha. How are you? If you're thinking this can't get any weirder, you're wrong. Deanna then changed into Martha, complete with English accent, and answered herself: I'm well. I've just been in the back patching some garments.
For about the next 15 minutes I sat there and watched this insane spectacle. "They" talked about quilt making, selling stuff on craigslist and some guy named "Dobber". I have to say it was nothing but total entertainment.
Once Martha left, Deanna and I had a conversation about how she isn’t much of a "spell witch", though she can conjure spells when need be, but rather, she is a witch that can materialize and dematerialize at will, read and influence the thoughts of humans (she said through witchcraft she was able to convince her boss to give her a raise), look into the thoughts of animals (such as a penguin in Antarctica), and, of course, speak to the dead. By the by, the LSD serves to unlock her supernatural powers.
She convinced me of her powers, or, at least she convinced me of her mind reading powers because she read mine. I wanted to pound her. Not only that, but I wanted her to spit wash my gag mallet, and she even knew that I wanted her to tea bag me! Don't tell me she can't read minds.
She took me back to her room and proceeded to take me on a journey of fornication most can only dream about. She was gymnast flexible and she had complete control of her vaginal muscles. It really felt like she had vise in her cock garage and at one point I actually feared that she might squeeze my gut buster completely off.
Probably the coolest thing was when I was thumping her from behind and she had me pour hot candle wax over her balloon knot and then use a small vibrator on it while I continued drilling her. She is a total freak and I am not finished with her.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Q&A With Terry K
Here at Stump Productions we like to interview popular members of Tider Insider from time to time. Today, we are quite fortunate to have one of the founding fathers of TI here with us; Mr. Terry K.
________________________________________________________________________________
Stump: Terry thanks for taking the time to speak with me today.
Terry K.: I’m sure you are honored.
Stump: I am. Terry, here on Tider Insider, you are not only one of the most well connected members, but you are without a doubt the smartest poster here. Can you peel back the potato and shed a little light on what makes you so great?
Terry K.: Well, for starters, every morning when I get up I drink a glass full of my urine because I piss nothing but perfection. Also, I wear women’s panties, eat lots of popcorn shrimp and read TV Guide.
Stump: Drink your own urine? Does that not taste bad?
Terry K.: Not at all. My urine tastes like a mixture of fried squash, beetroot juice and just a hint of Elmer’s Glue. I consider it my own version of V8 – Terry K. juice if you will.
Stump: And the women’s panties?
Terry K.: That is a little something I picked up from Bull Durham. It helps me use both sides of my brain when I am enlightening the TI masses with my infinite wisdom and my dexterous vocabulary.
Stump: I see. Well, other than being the all-knowing here on TI; what are some of your other hobbies?
Terry K.: I’m a cowboy.
Stump: A cowboy? What does that entail?
Terry K.: It’s nothing like that damn Brokeback Mountain if that’s what you’re insinuating.
Stump: Not at all, Terry. I’ve just never met a real cowboy so I really don’t know what they do.
Terry K.: Well, for starters I’m pretty good with a Winchester and in my younger days I was the best bronco buster in the entire Southeast. I won several medals and a whole bunch of other stuff with my bronco busting ability. Also, once a year I travel to Wyoming for a cattle drive, and I live by the Cowboy Code of Conduct.
Stump: Cowboy Code of Conduct?
Terry K.: It’s like the Bible for regular people and it would take me too long to explain it to a twit like you, but the gist of it is that I live right, treat women with respect, work hard and I never break my word.
Stump: Interesting. So, what are your thoughts on Coach Nick Saban?
Terry K.: I think he is a skilled coach, but I am sure I could do a better job.
Stump: You coach football?
Terry K.: No, but I have coached a group of truck drivers to 9 straight World Crokinole Championships.
Stump: Isn’t that a little different than football?
Terry K.: Let me give you a little bit of advice, son. You need to shut that brainless hole you call a mouth when talking about things that are above your level of intelligence. Crokinole, like football, requires a coach that is able to outthink his opponents. I can outthink anyone except maybe Albert Einstein and he’s dead, so I have no doubts that I could run circles around the mental midgets that coach football and lead Crimson Tide to multiple national championships if I was just given the chance.
Stump: Well, Terry thanks for taking time out of your day to enlighten us.
Terry K.: I’m sure it’s been your pleasure.
________________________________________________________________________________
Stump: Terry thanks for taking the time to speak with me today.
Terry K.: I’m sure you are honored.
Stump: I am. Terry, here on Tider Insider, you are not only one of the most well connected members, but you are without a doubt the smartest poster here. Can you peel back the potato and shed a little light on what makes you so great?
Terry K.: Well, for starters, every morning when I get up I drink a glass full of my urine because I piss nothing but perfection. Also, I wear women’s panties, eat lots of popcorn shrimp and read TV Guide.
Stump: Drink your own urine? Does that not taste bad?
Terry K.: Not at all. My urine tastes like a mixture of fried squash, beetroot juice and just a hint of Elmer’s Glue. I consider it my own version of V8 – Terry K. juice if you will.
Stump: And the women’s panties?
Terry K.: That is a little something I picked up from Bull Durham. It helps me use both sides of my brain when I am enlightening the TI masses with my infinite wisdom and my dexterous vocabulary.
Stump: I see. Well, other than being the all-knowing here on TI; what are some of your other hobbies?
Terry K.: I’m a cowboy.
Stump: A cowboy? What does that entail?
Terry K.: It’s nothing like that damn Brokeback Mountain if that’s what you’re insinuating.
Stump: Not at all, Terry. I’ve just never met a real cowboy so I really don’t know what they do.
Terry K.: Well, for starters I’m pretty good with a Winchester and in my younger days I was the best bronco buster in the entire Southeast. I won several medals and a whole bunch of other stuff with my bronco busting ability. Also, once a year I travel to Wyoming for a cattle drive, and I live by the Cowboy Code of Conduct.
Stump: Cowboy Code of Conduct?
Terry K.: It’s like the Bible for regular people and it would take me too long to explain it to a twit like you, but the gist of it is that I live right, treat women with respect, work hard and I never break my word.
Stump: Interesting. So, what are your thoughts on Coach Nick Saban?
Terry K.: I think he is a skilled coach, but I am sure I could do a better job.
Stump: You coach football?
Terry K.: No, but I have coached a group of truck drivers to 9 straight World Crokinole Championships.
Stump: Isn’t that a little different than football?
Terry K.: Let me give you a little bit of advice, son. You need to shut that brainless hole you call a mouth when talking about things that are above your level of intelligence. Crokinole, like football, requires a coach that is able to outthink his opponents. I can outthink anyone except maybe Albert Einstein and he’s dead, so I have no doubts that I could run circles around the mental midgets that coach football and lead Crimson Tide to multiple national championships if I was just given the chance.
Stump: Well, Terry thanks for taking time out of your day to enlighten us.
Terry K.: I’m sure it’s been your pleasure.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)