Dog

Dear Dog,

Yesterday, I caught wind of your little quandary. I read it on Drudge and after reading it, I thought to myself; So he dropped the 'N' word, big deal, and then I went back to admiring my balls because they are freakin' HUGE.

Then, last night, after I had polished off the latest slut that is worshipping me, by the way, she loves my balls, too, I caught your David Duke rant on that TMZ show. Damn, man! What were you thinking? I lost count after about the 39th N-missile.

I watched this program one night as I was moisturizing my balls. It was about this skinhead leader in Alabama. His name was Bill (Go Figure) Riccio.

As you can see from the picture, Riccio looks like a bucket of pig shit covered in skin with a Leonard Pratt haircut. Anyway, the show revolved around him and a group of young men wearing Iron Maiden t-shirts and Red Man hats. They talked about their "perfect America" and how we need to get rid of blacks, Jews and Mexicans. The show was about an hour in length, and in that hour, I heard the "N" word less times than I did in your 1 minute phone conversation.

You are worried about people comparing you to Don Imus? All he said was nappy headed ho. You will be damn lucky if people compare you to Imus. If I were you, I'd be worried about people comparing me to Bull Connor, Wolfgang Droege and Catfish Cole.

Granted, you were able to bounce back after participating in a murder, but you used the "N" word countless times, Dog. You would have been better off raping Barbra Bush in front of a live tv audience while choking a litter of puppies.

You managed to build an empire even though you look like a haggard Dallas Page and have a wife who looks like she should be slaughtering cows in Idaho. I know you have a soft spot of burnt-out Samoans and abused women, but that can only get you so far in life.

You had it all, Dog, and now you have thrown it down the shitter. I really hope you are happy with yourself.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go admire my huge balls.

Best Wishes,

Stump